Jess Weiner Blog

6 Ways To Become Your Own Best Friend

True friendships offer a wonderful reflection of ideal self-care — you have someone by your side that treats you in a way you often don’t treat yourself — with reverence, respect, and the right dose of silly.

Wouldn’t it be incredible to show ourselves that same type of love?

Is it possible to see ourselves through fresher, kinder eyes and ditch the critical in favor of the compassionate? I think so.

Here are six ways to become your own best friend:

1. Take time for TLC. When we get busy, we drop off our own to-do lists. We stop taking care of crucial things like rest, nutrition, and soulful exchange. Don’t skimp on the self-love, instead make a date with nurturing yourself like you would schedule a catch up with a friend. It’s that important.

2. Feel everything. One of the best parts of friendship is that you have someone who validates everything you feel (yep, even the crazy stuff). So remember to do the same and allow yourself to feel a full range of feelings. Put away the judgment and trust that your emotions are healthy, and even the painful feelings will eventually pass.

3. Ask: “Do you need help with anything?” How many times have you said that to a friend?! Check in and ask yourself the same thing and then seek out the people who can help you. One of the bravest acts of self-love we can practice is knowing when to ask for assistance.

4. Learn to trust yourself. The trust within friendships is built over time through experience, the same can be said of trusting ourselves. Learn to root for you. Learn to believe that you have what it takes to be loyal, loving, and kind to yourself. Building that self-trust will guide you through decisions and dilemmas with confidence.

5. Celebrate victories. We LOVE to celebrate our friends when they have moments of success. So make sure you do the same for yourself! Acknowledging what is worth celebrating in your life is not only healthy my necessary. It builds up a reservoir of good experiences to enjoy. And life is sweeter when we can enjoy those moments with the people we love.

6. Continue to Learn About Yourself. All friendships grow stronger as we learn more about the other person. That is the foundational element of real friendship — a growing together through things. While getting to know our friends deeply can highlight some of the not-so-great aspects of them, we choose to appreciate them for all of the brilliant ways they add to our lives, instead of honing in their imperfections. In learning about yourself, focus on celebrating who you are, rather than bemoaning who you aren’t.

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March 31, 2016April 5, 2016

How Has Being A Woman Changed in the Last 30 Years?

This March, I’m spotlighting my SHEROES in honor of Women’s History Month! Let’s celebrate the wonderful people we know in real life, and make them the true celebrities!

I asked Rosie Molinary – an incredible woman in my community and author of Beautiful You: A Radical Guide To Self-Acceptance: How has being a woman changed from the time you were a child to now?

Here’s what she said:

I came of age in the 1980s and 1990s. What felt most urgent for girls at that time was the need to be good. Title IX hadn’t yet taken effect where I lived so I was the manager/ trainer for the men’s soccer team rather than being on the soccer team.

There were assumptions about who I could be and what I could access – not just because I was a woman, but because I was a Latina.

Technology has given us the ability to be even more intersectional, and women are gaining greater access (albeit slowly) on their own merits (as opposed to because we followed petty rules set to limit us).

But in many ways, technology has proved to be a valuable tool that comes at a price. Perhaps as a species, we are wired to fear lack. We can be so scared that there is not enough in the world for all of us – so when someone else is ‘getting ahead’, sometimes we’re scared they took a piece of the pie that was being saved for us.

When we come up with answers like, “That woman took it from me,” or more specifically, “that Latina/Lesbian/Black/immigrant woman took it from me,” that sentiment, born from fear, creates a bigger chasm.

When I was young, the doubters in my life had to say it to my face. It took a special sort of gumption to do that. Today, doubters can say anything to anyone in any number of ways. It creates a collective wound, in some ways, but if there is anything I learned growing up and being told that my abilities were not worthy – it is that scars show and build character.

With every great macro-progress comes micro-reaction as the world adjusts. The important thing is to douse ourselves in self-care, to support one another through it, and to keep going – because struggle is the journey that creates headway.

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March 7, 2016April 5, 2016

How Inspirational Women Shape Our Lives

This March, I’m spotlighting my SHEROES in honor of Women’s History Month! Let’s celebrate the wonderful people we know in real life, and make them the true celebrities!

I asked Julie Ann Crommett – force for change and Google’s Program Manager for Computer Science Education in Media: Who is the most inspirational woman in your life?

Here’s what she said:

Without a doubt, it is my namesake. Both my mother and abuela (“Abuita”). I am named after both of them and am a combo of their biggest personality traits.

My abuita Julie left Cuba with my abuelo, mom and godfather with only the clothes on their backs and what they could carry in some duffle bags. By the time she was my age, she had left her home country, moved multiple times with two kids, resettled in a new country and was holding down a steady job. That kind of courage and grace is at once astounding and inspiring.

At almost 82 years young, she is still going as President of the Southeast Regional Catholic Women’s Association where she is driving a campaign to stop human trafficking locally. She has modeled to me resilience, maintaining faith and hope at the center of one’s life and to believe that anything is possible no matter your age, circumstance or set-backs.

My mother, Ana, is a remarkable woman. Coming of age during the feminist movement, she attended Tufts undergrad and Harvard Graduate School of Education and has single handedly changed the lives of thousands of children as a tireless teacher, school principal and educational strategist. For her, the kids come first and that those who can not speak for themselves always need champions.

I watch her in awe as she’s reinvented the second half of her life learning non-profit management, working in corporate America and marking new paths to make a difference including working jointly with my abuela to stop human trafficking. It is from her that I learned my voice mattered, to never quiet down even when others demand, to follow my biggest dreams, that empathy is the key and that teaching / serving others is the greatest reward.

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March 1, 2016April 5, 2016

How To Be Confident Without Being Arrogant

One common question I’m asked: How can I be confident without being arrogant?

I love this question. I usually tell people it’s OK to know your own strengths (even more OK to own them!) And it doesn’t help anyone when we deflect compliments and play small in the world.

But it makes sense that human nature is to feel a desire to be liked. To be loved. To be admired. And we sometimes worry that if we’re too confident that might push someone away.

The truth is, true confidence doesn’t have to be bragged about. The real different between confidence and arrogance is all about the intention behind it. Confident people live their lives – confidently. They don’t need to “in your face it” with dropping names, putting others down or overly boasting about anything. Confident people live it because they feel it. They don’t need to prove it.

I find bragging (and trust me, I’ve done my fair share) comes from when we feel insecure, uncertain and unworthy. So check your intention next time you think you may be spouting off too much of your own awesomeness. And know that your confidence isn’t just heard but seen, felt, and witnessed. Just by being you.

Still not sure if you have confidence or arrogance? Think about:

Confidence is built on self-discovery. It comes from knowing and accepting yourself and your strengths – and owning those strengths. It takes time and effort to foster and build.

Arrogance is a reactionary feeling. In fact, it’s the opposite of confidence – it’s a method to prove yourself rather than accept and love yourself.

Being confident is being comfortable with who you are. You don’t have to put anyone else down to feel good. So if you are trying to – odds are you aren’t feeling true confidence.

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February 25, 2016April 5, 2016

5 Books That Will Inspire You

For me, reading is an essential outlet for my inspiration. I feel like a great book has the power to uncover our most buried emotions and awaken a new delicious curiosity.

Here are 5 books that give insight into inspiration, education, and motivation in my life. Enjoy!

1. Daring Greatly by Brene Brown

Who doesn’t love Brene?? (Insert Oprah voice here).

She has the uncanny ability to make you excited about embracing imperfection and uncertainty (I mean, come on!) But I’m also lucky to call her a friend – so do yourself a favor — dive into her love, humor and smart advice right away!

2. Masterminds & Wingmen: Helping Our Boys Cope with Schoolyard Power, Locker-Room Tests, Girlfriends, and the New Rules of Boy World by Rosalind Wiseman

Rosalind is the mastermind behind Queen Bees and Wannabes (which ultimately became the movie “Mean Girls”), and now she tackles the boy world with Masterminds & Wingmen which explores how bullying, social stigmas and power struggles shape our boys emotionally. A must read for parents and educators!

3. Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert

I’m in love with Elizabeth Gilbert. And her work. Totally, madly, obsessively in love. Her words and thoughts hit me in the heart and make me go, “MMMM YAAASSS” out loud! This book helped me also develop a really sexy relationship with my creativity – so I highly recommend!

4. I wonder: Celebrating Daddies Doin’ Work by Doyin Richards

Doyin hits on the question every dad asks himself: “I wonder if I’m doing a good job.” And my answer to Doyin after reading this book is: YES! I love his persistent optimism and his wonderful and refreshing celebration of fatherhood. A must read and share!

5. Poems From the Pond by Peggy Freydberg, edited by Laurie David

I’ve already written a post about how Peggy (who started writing poetry at age 90, btw!) has become my muse. Her brilliant collection of poems brought every emotion I have to the surface and gave me new perspective on how we view life’s progression. Even if you think you don’t like poetry, I promise – you will not put this book down.

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February 22, 2016April 5, 2016

Ending Toxic Friendships

You may have heard me talk about your “esteem team” before.

I think it’s important to know very specifically who has your back at all times.

The one you ugly cry with.

The ones who see you at your worst and know you at your best.

The one you call to the move the body.

Consider it my new definition of #squad goals – but you really only need one special person on your esteem team.

And I can’t emphasize enough how important it is on your journey to self-discovery. It’s been a crucial component on my own path, too.

So how do you know who’s on your team?

Your “esteem team” are the ones who allow you to grow, and who encourage it, actually.

But we may not always be surrounded by those people.

Especially when we’re younger, it can feel like having a bunch of friends is important. But the truth is – especially when it comes to friendship – quality goes much further than quantity.

Sometimes when we realize we are friends with people who are stumping our growth it’s hard to think about letting them go.

But trust me when I tell you – and you can borrow my 15 years of hard friendship lessons learned – you need to say goodbye to someone who can’t stand fully by your side.

How do you know when you’re in a toxic friendship?

Here are a few questions you can ask yourself:

When you are with this person do you feel more empowered or more discouraged?

Are your thoughts and ideas valued and listened to?

Do you feel comfortable being yourself around this person?

If you can’t be your true, authentic self when you’re with this friend, it may be time to have a conversation about this. I know – it’s scary, but a true friend can handle a moment of discomfort and honesty. It can be awkward but real friendships survive.

What happens if you have that convo and nothing changes?

Maybe it’s time to move on.

So now what?

Ending a toxic friendship doesn’t have to be dramatic. We can start by making a conscious effort to limit the amount of time we spend with that person. We can focus on the friends who ARE positive and gravitate toward them.

But it doesn’t end there. It’s also important to take a look inside yourself in the process, and ask:

Why am I continually choosing friends like this?

How can I prevent this from happening again?

When we want to make a change in our lives, we have to take initiative.

There’s no doubt in my mind that you’re capable of it. We all are.

We have to make sure we’re learning from our experiences. When you go through difficult patches, remember to think about what you can take away from them. How can it help you better yourself? How can it help you get back on track to where you want to be?

It isn’t always easy, but it IS possible and worth it!

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February 11, 2016April 5, 2016

3 Habits of Confident People

Top question I’m most asked is: How do I become more confident?

My answer: Enjoy your journey.

Your confidence comes from the relationship you have with yourself.

It can be impacted by your ability to navigate the world around you.

It can be shaped by the relationships you have with others or the achievements you experience.

But confidence is ultimately an inside job.

And it’s directly related to your own unique journey.

Here are three things I see the most confident people I know practice everyday:

Know (And Celebrate) Your Strengths

You don’t have to be the very best there is, but it’s important to know what you do well. I bet you can make a list of 10 things you want to improve but how about a list of 20 things you already do well? It’s important to know your strengths and not to be afraid to share them. That’s not bragging. That’s owning it. And when you believe in what you are good at, that builds confidence.

Listen More Than You Talk

It’s true, the confident person in the room will likely raise their hand and speak. But the most confident people I know – know how to listen. They listen deeply. They don’t feel the need to speak all the time to be heard. Listening can offer you great insight into other’s points of view and teach you about your own. Listening to your own internal voice can also help you identify your own preferences, dreams and desires. That kind of knowledge is priceless.

Build Your Esteem Team

Our confidence can be impacted by the people we surround ourselves with. So rather than worrying about being liked or admired by many, try focusing on finding the few that love you for you! Confident people have a trusted esteem team they can rely on. Being confident doesn’t mean going it alone. It means opening yourself up to being vulnerable with people who will support you in all of your moments.

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February 8, 2016April 5, 2016

TBT: That Time We CHANGED BARBIE’S BODY

This last week has been epic.

Just seven little days ago I was finally able to share about a project I’ve been a part of for the last few years. I was on super secret lock down (which made vague-booking so hard!)

But finally all was revealed with this cover of TIME.

As you know, I’ve been working for over 20 years to change the messages that women and girls are sent through media, toys, and advertising. And I feel so incredibly lucky to have partnered with Mattel and the Barbie team on this journey to more variety and inclusivity!

3 new bodies. 7 skin tones. 22 eye colors. 24 hair styles. So many more choices to play!

So in the true spirit of a throwback, here’s a recap of what my launch day was like.

Our day started at 3 AM. And this was the sign that greeted us as we walked in.

That and lots and lots of coffee.

Then the TIME cover story breaks. In case you can’t tell from my expression, I couldn’t be more excited!

Teamwork makes the dream work. I couldn’t have made it through this launch without these guys.

We spent all day tracking the press, doing interviews and working with key influencers to make sure that the story of Barbie’s transformation was told in a way that would spark healthy dialogue (and debate). I mean, come on it’s Barbie. Everyone has an opinion!

Then it was on to the PARTY!!

We had an amazing launch party featuring Queen Latifah and Gwen Stefani – hosted by the lovely Amanda De Cadenet.

The theme of the night was “Reshaping the Conversation” and I was so thrilled to do that with good friends. Special shout out to my dear friend Damone Roberts for always having my back. My new friend Rutina Wesley (Also starring in Ava DuVernay’s new show “Queen Sugar” on OWN- watch it!) and the funniest voice on the interwebs, Luvvie Ajayi.

You can’t make change unless you have a seat at the table. And I had a seat at the table. Literally.

Up for over 20 hours, exhausted, happy, feeling proud.

Then the next day the team at Barbie sent me this fabulous gift. Now a permanent fixture on my patio. Welcome to your new dream house!

This week has reinforced for me what is truly possible when we work together to make change.

Whenever a girl can see herself and her world better reflected in culture it’s a good thing.

This is just the beginning. Stay tuned for more…. #TheDollEvolves

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February 4, 2016April 5, 2016

Bring Your #LoveGame16 To The Conversation

It is truly amazing how gratitude and intention have tweeked my perspective this month – on work and family, on the more simple day-to-day tasks like running errands and interacting with strangers.

I know how powerful intention is when we use it positively, but this month has brought me greater awareness of how meaningful it is when we consistently weave it into our lives to create a better sense of self and community.

Although we’re focusing on the energy we give out and the love we spread, this challenge has been intensely beneficial for me on a personal level.

How have your experiences with the #LoveGame16 challenge shaped your month? I would love to hear more from my positive-vibe tribe.

In this final week of the challenge, let’s make our LoveGame stick. I want to start the conversation with others. I want to spread my positive feelings from intention to those around me.

Challenge #7: Spread the Love

(January 25 – 28)

Talk to others about your LoveGame this week. Tell a new person each day about one challenge that worked for you. Reinforce the practice for yourself and spread ideas of positivity to others.

What was your favorite challenge? What was most meaningful to you for your personal journey? Tell us why on social using #LoveGame16. We want to share your positive vibes with our community.

Challenge #8: Just Ask

(January 29 – 31)

Ask the people in your life what they’re grateful for. Ask them what they love. In the next few days, tell someone about the LoveGame challenge and ask them to tell you about one thing they love about themselves or are grateful for.

What will they say? Let us know with the hashtag #LoveGame16.

I can’t thank you all enough for your commitment and support during this challenge. This isn’t just a resolution, it’s a way to rethink our energy and intention.

Let’s keep the positive vibes flowing. Tell me about your challenges this month. I can’t wait to hear about it and share your successes with my community.

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January 25, 2016April 5, 2016

The Women Who Inspire Me: Part 2

Amongst the women I admire most is Maria Popova. She’s a writer, critic and intellectual whose work speaks to my whole soul.

Maria created Brain Pickings, a blog and curated platform that offers incredibly rich thoughts on culture and philosophy and brings forth literature, art, and people that sometimes go unnoticed. I’ve spent many an afternoon getting lost in her writing and then ordering every book she is recommending.

Even the art that hangs in my home has come from artists she’s exposed me to through her work! I am forever grateful that my eyes have been opened to the elegance and stunning beauty of Kerri Augenstein‘s Dumb Dots Figure Studies series.

Maria reminds me to explore further what I already think I know, and open my mind to beautiful other possibilities. Her work is so in depth and clearly time intensive that I have no problem donating to Brain Pickings in order to support her wonderful work.

In a culture of click bait, Brain Pickings is a luxuriating indulgence in thoughtful exploration.