Month: February 2016

One common question I’m asked: How can I be confident without being arrogant?

 

I love this question. I usually tell people it’s OK to know your own strengths (even more OK to own them!) And it doesn’t help anyone when we deflect compliments and play small in the world.

 

But it makes sense that human nature is to feel a desire to be liked. To be loved. To be admired. And we sometimes worry that if we’re too confident that might push someone away.

 

The truth is, true confidence doesn’t have to be bragged about. The real different between confidence and arrogance is all about the intention behind it. Confident people live their lives – confidently. They don’t need to “in your face it” with dropping names, putting others down or overly boasting about anything. Confident people live it because they feel it. They don’t need to prove it.

 

I find bragging (and trust me, I’ve done my fair share) comes from when we feel insecure, uncertain and unworthy. So check your intention next time you think you may be spouting off too much of your own awesomeness. And know that your confidence isn’t just heard but seen, felt, and witnessed. Just by being you.

 

Still not sure if you have confidence or arrogance? Think about:

 

Confidence is built on self-discovery. It comes from knowing and accepting yourself and your strengths – and owning those strengths. It takes time and effort to foster and build.

Arrogance is a reactionary feeling. In fact, it’s the opposite of confidence – it’s a method to prove yourself rather than accept and love yourself.

Being confident is being comfortable with who you are. You don’t have to put anyone else down to feel good. So if you are trying to – odds are you aren’t feeling true confidence.

You may have heard me talk about your “esteem team” before.

 

I think it’s important to know very specifically who has your back at all times.

 

The one you ugly cry with.

 

The ones who see you at your worst and know you at your best.

 

The one you call to the move the body.

 

Consider it my new definition of #squad goals – but you really only need one special person on your esteem team.

 

And I can’t emphasize enough how important it is on your journey to self-discovery. It’s been a crucial component on my own path, too.

 

So how do you know who’s on your team?

 

Your “esteem team” are the ones who allow you to grow, and who encourage it, actually.

 

But we may not always be surrounded by those people.

 

Especially when we’re younger, it can feel like having a bunch of friends is important. But the truth is – especially when it comes to friendship – quality goes much further than quantity.

 

Sometimes when we realize we are friends with people who are stumping our growth it’s hard to think about letting them go.

 

But trust me when I tell you – and you can borrow my 15 years of hard friendship lessons learned – you need to say goodbye to someone who can’t stand fully by your side.

 

How do you know when you’re in a toxic friendship?

 

Here are a few questions you can ask yourself:

 

When you are with this person do you feel more empowered or more discouraged?

 

Are your thoughts and ideas valued and listened to?

 

Do you feel comfortable being yourself around this person?

 

If you can’t be your true, authentic self when you’re with this friend, it may be time to have a conversation about this. I know – it’s scary, but a true friend can handle a moment of discomfort and honesty. It can be awkward but real friendships survive.

 

What happens if you have that convo and nothing changes?

 

Maybe it’s time to move on.

 

So now what?

 

Ending a toxic friendship doesn’t have to be dramatic. We can start by making a conscious effort to limit the amount of time we spend with that person. We can focus on the friends who ARE positive and gravitate toward them.

 

But it doesn’t end there. It’s also important to take a look inside yourself in the process, and ask:

 

Why am I continually choosing friends like this?

 

How can I prevent this from happening again?

 

When we want to make a change in our lives, we have to take initiative.

 

There’s no doubt in my mind that you’re capable of it. We all are.

 

We have to make sure we’re learning from our experiences. When you go through difficult patches, remember to think about what you can take away from them. How can it help you better yourself? How can it help you get back on track to where you want to be?

 

It isn’t always easy, but it IS possible and worth it!